Claire from New Jersey is a legend. Why? Well, let us tell you.

People have a lot of dreams for their future. Few have the dream of having 50.000 plus followers on an Instagram profile that has the purpose of showing penis-shaped running routes (@dick_run_claire). Nevertheless, this was the destiny that fell into Claire’s lap.

It was while visiting her brother in Kansas, Claire’s life was forever changed. Claire was, as per usual, out for a good old fashioned run. A run like most others – music in the ears and off you go. However, on this day Claire got lost. She ran around town trying to find her way back. Finally, after somewhat of a de-route, she found her brother’s place. Naturally curious to where she had been running, Claire checked her GPS route and to her amazement saw a thing of beauty – a penis. Claire’s GPS tracker had created a marvelous penis.

Shortly after forming her creation on the GPS tracker, Claire was hooked. Claire wanted to create more penises via her GPS. As Claire simply puts it to VICE magazine “I love looking for new penis-routes”. One must commend Claire for her diversity of dicks. An important message for the word – dicks come in all shapes and sizes.

This got us thinking. What other body part comes in all shapes and sizes and needs more awareness. Of course, the stones swinging below our hips. Our balls. Our nuts. This is why Hands In Your Pants will be attempting to perform the World’s Longest Nut Walk to create awareness of the nutsack, its beauty and the importance of giving them a monthly check.

Thus, the last Saturday of April 2021, Hands In Your Pants will commence a journey no man nor women has ever performed. We will walk through the streets of outer and inner Copenhagen from early morning to late(ish) evening. We will hand out nuts to remind men to touch their nuts; eat donuts from Bronuts with the youth; eat Danish pastry and romkugler, while discussing the shape and texture of our balls; lastly, we will talk, laugh and everything in between with each other and the people we meet on our way.

Join our trip and read more on our Instagram @HandsInYourPants00

Thanks to State Energy, BroNuts, Kringlen, Oddballs and Nøddebazaren for supporting our endeavor in breaking the world record!

Naturally, by testicles we refer to orkhis aka orchids. The marvellous flowering plant’s name, orchid, is derived from the Greek word, orkhis, meaning testicles. Why you may ask?

Well, the first time we hear of this intriguing plant in the western hemisphere is around 300 BC. Theophrastus, some say the Father of Botany, was a student of the Peripatetic school in Greece and published a study, "Inquiry into Plants", where he mentions the orchid and its phallic presents. Fun fact, many of the plants for Theophrastus studies are a product of samples sent by botanists partaking in Alexander the Great’s military campaigns. Regardless, Theophrastus was actually not fascinated by the plant itself, but more so of its underground tubers, or the plants downstairs department. Actually, Mr. T believed the tubers resembled men’s downstairs department, so much so, he named the plant, orkhids, testicles or man plums.

Theophrastus is no lay man, he is a student and the successor of Aristotle. Aristotle, actually gives him the nickname “Tyrtamus”, which is Greek for “godly phrased”. We definitely see why, as one does not need to spend much time with an orchid before being reminded to check one’s gonads.

Aristotle, actually had a few thoughts on testis himself, believing one produces men and the other women, but that’s another story for another time.

Tyrtamus, was not alone with his fascination and sexual vision of the orchid. Today, there are more than 20,000 species and the plant has been studied widely and even great biologist such as Charles Darwin found a profound interest in the beauteous botanical wonder.

In the Victorian age, orchids were a rare commodity and if you were gifted with the flower, it symbolises love and passion towards the receiver – much like balls do today. The Greeks were so obsessed with the sexual powers of orchids that they believed, if the man ate an orchid’s tubers the couple would conceive a boy and if the women did, a girl. Also, forget splashing out on a myriad of oysters on your first date. Instead, crush some orchids into your food (or on top of the oysters) as the Chinese have done for centuries. The Chinese believe them to have an aphrodisiacs effect.

Conclusively, everyone from Darwin to Victorian age kings and queens to Chinese couples love testicles/orchids and so should you. Happy valentines to you and the balls in your life.

Touch yourself,

Hands In Your Pants

Updated: Jan 30

Stuart Ross and the story about his balls.

One January evening I noticed something odd and hard in one of my balls. But, it didn’t worry me. I thought nothing of it. I thought it would just go away with time – like most things do. But it didn’t. However, I came to the medical assessment that is was cyst. Again, it will go away with time. I was 23, playing Australian rules football, just moved out of home and was loving hanging out with my mates. I certainly did not have time for any medical worries or seeing my doctor.

Later, one evening, a lady friend also noticed it. She mentioned it might be a good idea to get it checked. I said I would get it check - but later.

A month past and this odd, hard irregularity, hadn’t gone away. Now I was concerned. I spoke to one of my mates. My mate told me to get it checked – people seemed obsessed with this idea. I said I would, but of course I didn’t. I waited a little longer. At this point, I started to get pain in my abdominal region. Nevertheless, I put it down to the impressive number of sit ups I was doing at the gym.

One morning I woke up and my nut was the size of an orange! I raced down to talk to my dad, he said, “mate, get that checked. Now!”. Time to get it checked! The hard irregularity was a tumor, a big black mass that had engulfed my testicle. I had to have the testicle removed and went through radiotherapy.

My doctors – yep, in plural – tried to comfort me. They told me; if you get cancer, this is the cancer you want to get. Referring to it as a good cancer. There is no good cancer. A mate of mine, told me, it was lucky, it was me who got it, because I was so strong – whatever that means.

I went through months of hell, lost my identity, self-esteem and questioned myself in every way possible. I sat on the radiotherapy table, not the doctors nor my mate. I tried to go back and play football four weeks after my last radiotherapy session. That was a huge mistake. I was not emotionally or physically ready for football. Or anything else for that matter. I tried to find myself, convince people I was the old Stuey, but I’d lost myself. It took over 18 months to find myself again, but I did. Testicular cancer is still a f***ing cancer. It is not “the good cancer”. There is no good cancer. That is what I’m here to change.

This was Stuey’s story and there are many more stories just like his. Lads waiting too long before acting upon irregularities in their nuts. That’s why we started Hands In Your Pants, to spread testicular cancer awareness, make men take their balls seriously as well as creating a community around people affected by testicular cancer.

Grab your nuts,

Nicholas, Thomas and Stuey