Why do balls hang like that?

During the hot summer month of August, three men stand over a grill with a smile on their face. Faces of great satisfaction, thinking that they may be the ones to bring home the gold medal at that year’s World Testicle Cooking Championship in Gornji Milanovac, Serbia. An annual three-day competition that has been held since 2004, where aspiring culinary testicular enthusiasts present dishes of camel, ostrich, bull, boar, and kangaroo testicles. Taking the honoring of balls to new heights. Seeing their mouthwatering appeal like no other. And yet, Monday morning, I find myself in the shower looking down at my testicles thinking “why do you hang like that?”

As much as we appreciate our balls and preach to care for them, one can’t hide that they aren’t exactly as inviting as a women’s bosom or have captivating myths like the Mountain of Venus. They just hang there between two hairy legs. However, according to leading evolution phycologist, Gordon Gallup, Mary Finn and Becky Sammis, this is actually a very important temperature regulating mechanism. A mechanism known under the name of the activation hypothesis.

In a captivating article from 2008, the three authors ask the very important question - why don’t women have balls? Well, they ask the question in more academic terms, but still. How would it look, or be, if the female ovaries – female reproductive system - dangled eloquently between their legs in a “thin, unprotected sack”?

Unfortunately, it was not possible to find an answer to this. However, several hypotheses have been made into why men’s balls hang energetically between their legs. The activation hypothesis explains that the gonads hang away from the body to create a cooler temperature for the balls, as sperm cells are best stored below body temperature. The “thin, unprotected sack” is actually quite good at protecting the temperature inside the ballbag. As balls hang loose on hot summer days to cool, they likewise, hide almost inside us during a chilly winters morning.

This temperature mechanism may actually explain why females don’t have balls. As during lovemaking, coitus, sex or fornication the rise of temperature follows the man “becoming one” with the women alongside “insemination into the vagina serves as one of several triggers for the activation of sperm”. Thus, the difference in temperatures during sexual intercourse promotes the activation of sperm, hence, the activation hypothesis.

Another hypothesis is the handicap hypothesis - which is awesome - but most likely not true. The theory follows that the balls placement has no other effect than to show the opposite sex the balls ability to survive despite its questionable location. This theory draws on the peacock that despite it’s very flamboyant but inconvenient looks, is still able to survive in the wild.

Despite the handicap hypothesis most likely not being true, it does remind me that our balls are marvelous. Actually, both hypothesis remind me of that. Although, they hang oddly between my legs, they have an amazing evolutionary and biological importance. Balls are beautiful and we should care for all of them: Three balls, two balls, one ball, prosthetic balls. We must always appreciate our balls, not only while standing under the late summer sun in Serbia trying to distinguishing if we are more of a camel or bull balls kind-of-person.

Touch yourself,

Hands In Your Pants

Source:

1. Gallup GG, Finn MM, Sammis B. On the Origin of Descended Scrotal Testicles: The Activation Hypothesis. Evolutionary Psychology. October 2009. doi:10.1177/147470490900700402

World’s Longest Nut Walk

Claire from New Jersey is a legend. Why? Well, let us tell you.

People have a lot of dreams for their future. Few have the dream of having 50.000 plus followers on an Instagram profile that has the purpose of showing penis-shaped running routes (@dick_run_claire). Nevertheless, this was the destiny that fell into Claire’s lap.

It was while visiting her brother in Kansas, Claire’s life was forever changed. Claire was, as per usual, out for a good old fashioned run. A run like most others – music in the ears and off you go. However, on this day Claire got lost. She ran around town trying to find her way back. Finally, after somewhat of a de-route, she found her brother’s place. Naturally curious to where she had been running, Claire checked her GPS route and to her amazement saw a thing of beauty – a penis. Claire’s GPS tracker had created a marvelous penis.

Shortly after forming her creation on the GPS tracker, Claire was hooked. Claire wanted to create more penises via her GPS. As Claire simply puts it to VICE magazine “I love looking for new penis-routes”. One must commend Claire for her diversity of dicks. An important message for the word – dicks come in all shapes and sizes.

This got us thinking. What other body part comes in all shapes and sizes and needs more awareness. Of course, the stones swinging below our hips. Our balls. Our nuts. This is why Hands In Your Pants will be attempting to perform the World’s Longest Nut Walk to create awareness of the nutsack, its beauty and the importance of giving them a monthly check.

Thus, the last Saturday of April 2021, Hands In Your Pants will commence a journey no man nor women has ever performed. We will walk through the streets of outer and inner Copenhagen from early morning to late(ish) evening. We will hand out nuts to remind men to touch their nuts; eat donuts from Bronuts with the youth; eat Danish pastry and romkugler, while discussing the shape and texture of our balls; lastly, we will talk, laugh and everything in between with each other and the people we meet on our way.

Join our trip and read more on our Instagram @HandsInYourPants00

Thanks to State Energy, BroNuts, Kringlen, Oddballs and Nøddebazaren for supporting our endeavor in breaking the world record!

Did you get a bunch of testicles this weekend?

Naturally, by testicles we refer to orkhis aka orchids. The marvellous flowering plant’s name, orchid, is derived from the Greek word, orkhis, meaning testicles. Why you may ask?

Well, the first time we hear of this intriguing plant in the western hemisphere is around 300 BC. Theophrastus, some say the Father of Botany, was a student of the Peripatetic school in Greece and published a study, "Inquiry into Plants", where he mentions the orchid and its phallic presents. Fun fact, many of the plants for Theophrastus studies are a product of samples sent by botanists partaking in Alexander the Great’s military campaigns. Regardless, Theophrastus was actually not fascinated by the plant itself, but more so of its underground tubers, or the plants downstairs department. Actually, Mr. T believed the tubers resembled men’s downstairs department, so much so, he named the plant, orkhids, testicles or man plums.

Theophrastus is no lay man, he is a student and the successor of Aristotle. Aristotle, actually gives him the nickname “Tyrtamus”, which is Greek for “godly phrased”. We definitely see why, as one does not need to spend much time with an orchid before being reminded to check one’s gonads.

Aristotle, actually had a few thoughts on testis himself, believing one produces men and the other women, but that’s another story for another time.

Tyrtamus, was not alone with his fascination and sexual vision of the orchid. Today, there are more than 20,000 species and the plant has been studied widely and even great biologist such as Charles Darwin found a profound interest in the beauteous botanical wonder.

In the Victorian age, orchids were a rare commodity and if you were gifted with the flower, it symbolises love and passion towards the receiver – much like balls do today. The Greeks were so obsessed with the sexual powers of orchids that they believed, if the man ate an orchid’s tubers the couple would conceive a boy and if the women did, a girl. Also, forget splashing out on a myriad of oysters on your first date. Instead, crush some orchids into your food (or on top of the oysters) as the Chinese have done for centuries. The Chinese believe them to have an aphrodisiacs effect.

Conclusively, everyone from Darwin to Victorian age kings and queens to Chinese couples love testicles/orchids and so should you. Happy valentines to you and the balls in your life.

Touch yourself,

Hands In Your Pants